parenting

In a relationship we view abuse as restrictive, manipulative, threatening, and withdrawal of love. If the partner tells us what we can or can not wear, who we can and can not talk to, where we may or may not go, what we may or may not do, take things from us to hurt us, if they tell us "if you do this - I will do this in return", hits us, or gives the silent treatment or says "I do not love you anymore." as a way to hurt us, everyone labels it abuse.
But if the same things happen in a parent child dynamic it's seen as healthy, okay, or normal even.
It is seen acceptable that a parent demand that a child must wear or may not wear certain clothing, who they can or can not talk to, where they may or may not go, what they can do and what they can't do, remove things their child loves from them, or say "if you disobey me, you will be grounded/lose privileges or items/ get corporal punishment, or sends their children to their room/ignores them all day or tells them they no longer like their child - it's "discipline/ keeping the child in line?"

Why is one acceptable and the other not? Why do we not stop and think that if in childhood we do these things that we are unconsciously (or possibly consciously) teaching our children that that is what love is, that's how love operates, that if there isn't restrictions/punishments/ love withdrawal etc, that it is not love?


Trust is the number 1 most important value in a child/parent relationship which is fostered by connection, empathy, and understanding. If you lose your child's trust - you lose your child's desire and ability to want to make good choices, process emotion, and reconnect with you. It's imperative that we, as parents, always treat our children as the humans they are - with basic respect and dignity. If a child doesn't feel like you are or can be a safe place for them to feel, to experience emotions, thoughts, and impulses - they can not learn from you. They can not connect on a level with you where they feel worthy of growth. Respect and dignity are taught by parents to their children by the parent displaying those values to their children in every day life. If the parents do not display those values themselves the children can not understand the actual understanding of the wordy definition. If a parent tries to force respect and dignity they will not be able to get it in return - they may get fear, but definitely not respect. Fear for some parents, is good enough, in their opinion. They are not striving for a respectful connection and relationship with their children but oftentimes looking moreso to feel power within themselves.
In order to remove this desire to feel power by controlling and forcing our children to do things - we must want to gain control over ourselves first. We must heal our own hurts. We must experience emotions as they arise and work through them in healthy manners, and we must aim to be conscious as much as we possibly can.

beginning

"Why, why won't you just LOVE me?!" She sobs into the blankets that engulf around her as she lay on her bed. This morning she was happy, how did she end up here? She reached over to the tissue box that was placed up on her nightstand, the blanket falling down off her head to her shoulders letting her deep red hair fall back out over her face. She pushed the side of her hair back behind her ear as she grabbed the tissue, returned to her original position on the bed, before blowing her nose and wiping the tears soaked upon her cheeks.

(I feel I should end that with some cliffhanger or strong statement.... think about it)

       "Cordelia , Royanna, wake up!!!" their mother knocked upon their door at 5:30am, "Come on! Up up, get yourselves dressed for school!" she shouts as she walks away into the kitchen. 

Royanna sat up and raised her arms above her head to stretch, within herself she felt disappointed because she didn't want to go to school, 10th grade is even more draining than 9th. Before she could feel too down she remembered something special. She jumped up out of her and ran over to the chair in the corner of her room tucked under the computer desk and swiped a bag off it before setting out to prepare for her day. 

       As she finishes eating he walks in the door. Her eyes light up as they meet up with his hazelnut brown eyes and he smiles. 

"How are you beautiful?" He asks she reaches over to her bag and holds it out to him. 

"What's this?" He questions her.

"Just look at it! I got it for you!!!" 

       Dawson reached in and pulled out a pair of sweatpants that sports his favorite tv show character on them, "Aw babe, you didn't have to get me anything."
"I know but I wanted to!" She says enthusiastically. She loved surprising him.

"Alright, you ready to go?" He asks her as he placed the bag in his backpack and zipped it back up.

"Yeah, I just need to get my shoes on, hold on." She then searched for her shoes to shove her feet into before meeting him at the door.

       The warm air hit their skin as they left the house, their hands reached out and locked up instinctually as they walked the path to the bus stop. 

"What do you have first period today?" Cordelia asked Dawson.

"Uh... Language with Mrs. Lason, you?" He responded.

"Oh, I have Social studies with Mr. Sax. That's on the other side of the building from you, right?" She questioned.

"Yeah. Why?" He asked.

"I was hoping we could meet up at some time just so we could see each other, even if just for a couple moments." Cordelia admitted.

"Uh, well, you get off lunch as I exit gym, we could meet out in that hallway." He suggested.

"Oh good, yeah! That would work." 

     They reached the bus stop as the bus approached, walked up inside, and got comfortable in the 2nd seat together. They chatted on the way to school about upcoming tests and personal stressors.

     The bell rang and Roy (as her friends and family commonly called her) shot up from the lunch table to quickly dispose of her plate and head out to find Dawson. She exited the cafetorium and turned the corner to head down the hallway in which she would see him again. When she got there he wasn't there yet so she waited. A few more minutes went by and she was becoming confused and worried, "Where is he?" she wondered to herself. Another minute passed and she knew she had to hurry up to her next destination - Science.
It's alright, he probably got caught up in class, we'll see each other on the bus later. She thought to herself.
      

girl psychic - visions of her best friend dying, keeps trying to save her every time.

don't believe in punishments

Also, I've learned from this style of parenting that their motive isn't always what we think or assume their motive is. Usually their motive has absolutely nothing to do with what they've done - what they've done is more like a symptom but not the illness. You punishing symptoms is like treating the symptoms but not the illness. Which means the symptoms will just keep coming back. And it's impossible to punish the illness to heal it, it just would make it worse. The only way to heal it is to find it, understand it, and work with it until the symptoms fade away. And I personally feel that when it comes to children all it takes to heal the illness is love, understanding, compassion, and acceptance. Not acceptance of the symptoms - nobody likes those. But acceptance of the things that cause the symptoms - the emotions.

 I want to throw out there that I personally do not believe in punishments whatsoever. My oldest is almost 7 and she is the most amazing human I have ever known. She is so kind, compassionate, loving, understanding, thoughtful, intelligent, I could go on and on and on. The only thing she lacks is patience and I think that's her age. Lol time feels so much slower to her than it does me.She doesn't hit, doesn't kick, has never slammed a door or thrown anything, when she's upset she says, " mommy I just need some time to myself " she usually sits on her bed by choice or grand something to play with and I wait until she's ready to talk.Even if she does something that really upsets me I don't punish her and I don't take her things away. And she very very very rarely does things that upset me - those are usually impulses that she didn't think about beforehand. Like one time she pushed her baby brother off the bed. She didn't purposely try to hurt him - she just didn't want him getting into her paperwork. But I got really upset because it could have hurt him badly. She quickly realized that she could have seriously hurt him and she went to sit on her bed. When we Both calmed down we talked about it together and she hugged and kissed her brother - on her own, and apologized.My idea with not taking things is - as an adult that would make me even more angry, how would it not create the same feeling in a child? When I'm upset I NEED something to help me calm down - an outlet. My phone, crocheting, a puzzle. Whatever it is. Children also need an outlet. Anyway, my point of this is to prove from my style of parenting and the proof in my child that these other methods are not necessary to get a good child and they don't work based on fear but by love and respect of each other.