In a relationship we view abuse as restrictive, manipulative, threatening, and withdrawal of love. If the partner tells us what we can or can not wear, who we can and can not talk to, where we may or may not go, what we may or may not do, take things from us to hurt us, if they tell us "if you do this - I will do this in return", hits us, or gives the silent treatment or says "I do not love you anymore." as a way to hurt us, everyone labels it abuse.
But if the same things happen in a parent child dynamic it's seen as healthy, okay, or normal even.
It is seen acceptable that a parent demand that a child must wear or may not wear certain clothing, who they can or can not talk to, where they may or may not go, what they can do and what they can't do, remove things their child loves from them, or say "if you disobey me, you will be grounded/lose privileges or items/ get corporal punishment, or sends their children to their room/ignores them all day or tells them they no longer like their child - it's "discipline/ keeping the child in line?"
Why is one acceptable and the other not? Why do we not stop and think that if in childhood we do these things that we are unconsciously (or possibly consciously) teaching our children that that is what love is, that's how love operates, that if there isn't restrictions/punishments/ love withdrawal etc, that it is not love?
Trust is the number 1 most important value in a child/parent relationship which is fostered by connection, empathy, and understanding. If you lose your child's trust - you lose your child's desire and ability to want to make good choices, process emotion, and reconnect with you. It's imperative that we, as parents, always treat our children as the humans they are - with basic respect and dignity. If a child doesn't feel like you are or can be a safe place for them to feel, to experience emotions, thoughts, and impulses - they can not learn from you. They can not connect on a level with you where they feel worthy of growth. Respect and dignity are taught by parents to their children by the parent displaying those values to their children in every day life. If the parents do not display those values themselves the children can not understand the actual understanding of the wordy definition. If a parent tries to force respect and dignity they will not be able to get it in return - they may get fear, but definitely not respect. Fear for some parents, is good enough, in their opinion. They are not striving for a respectful connection and relationship with their children but oftentimes looking moreso to feel power within themselves.
In order to remove this desire to feel power by controlling and forcing our children to do things - we must want to gain control over ourselves first. We must heal our own hurts. We must experience emotions as they arise and work through them in healthy manners, and we must aim to be conscious as much as we possibly can.
